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For example, if I did not receive much affection from an ex, I might still form new relationships that recreate those same patterns.Andersen believed we do this because we seek what was missing in past relationships – instead of running from someone who reminds me of an unaffectionate ex, I form a relationship with a new person hoping to gain what was what was missing. Sometimes, past negative experiences can sow the seeds for healthier future relationships.Once you have an idea of your transference patterns, the next step is to identify cues observed in a new person or context that evoke those patterns.What traits, behaviours or experiences with an ex (or exes) act as triggering cues in new relationships?One study found that the experience of a recent breakup resulted in personal growth, which the participants believed would help them form more positive relationships in the future.But you do not need to experience a breakup to begin forming healthier relationships.But this only serves to confirm my existing working model of myself as unlovable and of potential partners as unaffectionate. For example, the period following a breakup is important because it may lead to personal growth and development.This is known as “stress-related growth” and refers to the idea that people can respond to distressing life events by growing beyond their previous level of psychological functioning.
These different styles are thought to be based on past experiences of relating to important people in our lives, particularly our parents.